Lily’s New Strange World Today

This is an open response to an article that the manipulative behavior of cats proves them to be evil, according to one Dr. Karen McComb of the Centre for Mammal Vocal Communication Research at the University of Sussex. McComb states that stated that it appears that cats “learn to dramatically exaggerate it when it proves effective in generating a response from humans.”

Of course, young children do this too. Which means that all toddlers are demon spawn. Most parents would agree with this assertion at one time or another.

Evil implies malice. Manipulation may be self-serving, but it isn’t always malicious. The cat’s intent is not malicious. It simply wants to be cared for.

I’ve owned cats all my life. Almost all of them are aggravating at one time or another, and they are all needy. I’ve never known one that was actually evil. A couple of my cats have been fierce hunters, but their intent when catching their prey was not malicious, it was simple instinct.

Among my current four cats, I have Miss Demanding Butthead Pyromaniac Cat, who is far more pushy than evil. Then there is Mr. Alpha Male Cat, who simply believes that his demands supersede all others. Mr. Mellow Beta Male Cat can be annoying at times, demanding to be petted when I am in the middle of working on something, but he is very affectionate. And then I have the sweetest cat in the universe, who is the absolute antithesis of evil. She never even nips when being petted, which most cats do. She has rarely done anything to cause trouble. Like all cats, she manages to get her way almost all of the time. But really its a give and take situation with the beasts. Yes, they take, take, take. But they give a lot in return too.

I have seen far more evil behavior among humans than I have ever seen in cats.

Bird Wing Butterfly

For various reasons, I realize that I have been too honest about certain events in my life, and I will not be discussing these  events with the public any more. I have also decided to cease writing the novels which feature the spirits of actual people that I have met. I have given  my current novel and all my unfinished work on future books in the series to medium and author Rose LeMort and her spirit companion Kai to have a go at. Rose is going to remove all references to real people and make a few other fitting changes on the book before re-releasing it and then will continue the work that we began. She will also contribute 50% of the royalties to the World Federation for Mental Health, in keeping with our mission.

My spectral friend will not be delivering messages through me any more. He wanted to make himself understood, but he believes that it is impossible to be understood by more than the few sympathizers that we have met in the past couple of years. Most people will insist to see him as what they want him to be and his final statement is “they want that guy, let them have that guy. The image. He belongs to the ages.”

It saddens me that the majority of people are still so narrow in their thinking that what we created is not a possibility in this world. I have very much enjoyed working with this spirit. I’m sorry that I couldn’t do more for him. I really don’t have the strength to endure the attacks that come at me for the assertion that I knew him. I will only say that he is doing better but of late he is reminded of how much people can suck and why he took his own life in the first place.

I will still be writing articles on bipolar disorder and paranormal activity, and probably mocking the living hell out of Twilight because it just sits there begging to be poked fun at. Credit where credit is due–if you are being satirized, you have made it. On that count, congratulations to Stephanie Meyer.

Our best wishes to you all from Lily and best wishes and farewell from my spectral friend. It’s been real and sometimes it’s even been fun. We appreciate those who have supported us. We hope that you will enjoy Rose’s revisions to the book. She is working hard to bring the new version to the public by sometime next year.

Ghost Orbs: Photo from Real Ghost Pictures Around the World

It seems that there is such a thing as too much honesty and that I have been guilty of it. Rather than being freeing, this honesty has helped neither myself nor my spectral writing partner. This is why it is our decision at this point to cease revelation of his actual identity. We believe that this will allow us the freedom to write more honestly.
I have actually had very few major detractors. Only one of the communications I’ve received since the release of the book has been truly negative. It is not because of this one dissenter that this choice is being made. It is because while writing the second book it became clear that we were having to alter things too much in order to avoid upsetting certain very important parties (his surviving family) or in order to protect me from anger at a fictional story line that happens to contain elements of truth.

What started as a desire to allow someone who had a very difficult life to tell his truth and achieve the mission of preventing others from making the decision he made–to commit suicide–has become a trap. We are having to edit too much for him to be able to be truthful.

One of the statements made in the dissenting critique is that most of the things I’ve said about my co-author are common knowledge. This is true, and I’ve never claimed that I was going to make any blatant revelations. This is his to do, and he prefers to do it via the story. The truth is couched within the fiction for the reason that much of it is very personal and very painful. He told me because he trusted me not to just broadcast everything he said. It is not the sort of thing that is easy to talk about, even when someone is no longer “of this world,” because there are other people to consider besides him. He is a real person, and thus, those who survive him will also be impacted by his revelations.

His life circumstances were much, much more difficult than people realize. Although I do not see him with my eyes, I do “see” him in my mind’s eye when he is around and I do sense his attitude and emotions. When he would talk to me about the incidents in question, he would sit near me and would always be looking down with his hair hanging over his face and the quality of his expression changed to one of great shame. Had I been able to hear him, his voice would have been barely above a whisper. At the core of this soul is a sad, frightened child who feels responsible to a degree for some of the ugly things that he experienced. Revealing this causes him pain and shame, but he has authorized me to do so at this point without revealing any details.

I feel his emotions in my own body when he “speaks” of these things. There is a tightness in the chest and throat, queasiness, and an attempt to hold back tears. I have felt waves of nausea from him on other occasions when he speaks of it and in one instance he left abruptly after revealing something, saying that he was too sick to continue talking about it. He came back a few minutes later because he felt bad that the intensity of his emotions on this occasion made me physically ill, and he didn’t want to leave me alone to have to deal with this.

Revelations of this magnitude are not things I’m just going to splatter out there in order to further my own renown. “Hey, everybody, guess what The Undead Dude said! Blah blah blah!” He would have every right to tell me to go fuck myself at that point and to poltergeist my ass. What the hell kind of friend would do that? Well, I am his friend, and therefore, NOT ME! He will reveal it in his own time and in his own way, and if y’all fuckers want to see it, you’ll have to READ THE BOOKS and look for the clues. This is not a ploy to sell books, though I’ll tell you what–nobody fucking rides for free! As the old saying goes, why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free? Plus, he has revealed some of his thoughts here as it is. He’s told whoever’s bothered to read it that the circumstances surrounding his death are not what is commonly believed. There is no conspiracy–he did take his own life. Some people are looking for conspiracies everywhere. Well, there is none in this case. What is in error is people’s beliefs regarding the reason that he took his own life. This drives him crazy, and he has felt disappointed that he has not been able to get through to people. He states “just like when I was alive–nobody fucking hears.”

There is also something of anger that people have had their image of an “icon of evil” popped like a balloon, because this person was not and is not evil. From the time I met him I was surprised by how gentle and considerate he was, and at his silly sense of humor. I was also surprised by how sane he was, because I had always read that he was insane. I had expected to be dealing with someone with serious mental problems if he did take me up on my invitation to talk to him, and…

All right, I ended up dealing with someone with serious mental problems. Myself.

And him. But he is not delusional. He was and is very troubled. He has a lot of things to work out, but there are other things that he has learned to deal with in a more positive way. He has learned that the things that happened to him in his childhood were not his fault, even if the scared inner child continues to believe himself to be “bad” and “ugly.” He has also learned that he can’t continue to be a victim. Many of the behaviors manifested in life were poor coping mechanisms, but they were all he knew. It also becomes apparent that there was an actual brain injury at an early age. See the description of Cotard delusion. I’m not feeling like expanding on this right now. He has stated that he believes he knows when the injury happened but it is something that he did not know in life because he suppressed the knowledge.

Had he received the help he needed, he believes he would have ended up being “another Syd Barrett.” He never did use drugs, but his reasoning is that being as shy and awkward as he was, he would have eventually removed himself from the public eye. Being unable to hold a job due to his psychological problems, he would have had to depend on whatever family and friends were willing to help him. He was, in his own words, “seriously damaged.” His life would not have been an easy one. And his existence is not an easy one, though the need to destroy himself has passed. He states that “all the time I would simply like to go to sleep and not think of any of this. But I cannot. The awareness of self does not eternally die. The pain lives. It keeps one very much aware.”

This is what I wanted to help him impart. It was intended to help him heal.

I am not a perfect medium. I do not practice mediumship on a professional level. I receive emotions and some flashes of information that make no sense at the time but I write them down, and most of the time they turn out to be right. I am not here to prove “oh looky, looky, what a great medium I am.” Who the hell would verify what I have received from him anyway? As to knowing what his favorite color was or whether he wore boxers or briefs or what his mother’s middle name was, I do not do well at receiving information like that. It’s extraneous anyway. For what it’s worth, one of our major secondary characters is named Lisa and his mother’s name was Lisa, which I did not know at the time that we were naming this character. There was a very strong suggestion for that name, however, it’s a common enough name. So, six of one, a half dozen of the other. Who the hell knows?

There are mediums out there who can hit the minutia spot on. For me, I have to wait a while, sometimes years, to get an “a-ha!” about things I have written down even though they seem completely whack. I do not claim to be a perfect, great, or even good medium. I am a half-assed medium with empathic abilities. And I’m not a great writer. My writing style can be described as 100% cheese. I am really not making any claim of anything. I even have the caveat that I could be dead wrong about all of this and perhaps I’m just crazy. But it SEEMS to have been real. So whatever. Believe what you will.

And now, regarding the piece of work who took the photos of my co-author’s death. There was a person who was offended by my referring to him as a sociopath and an asshole. Perhaps it was immature on my part to refer to him as an asshole. I was speaking emotionally. But I stand by my conviction that he was a sociopath, and people who actually knew him speak of his actions towards his bandmate as being hateful. I have copies of letters that he wrote following the death of my co-author, and his attitude was absolutely disdainful. The fellow’s grieving mother told him that he had to come to the funeral, and in his letter to his chum regarding this, he stated “I’m not a therapist. What do I care?” So as to the assertion that “he took those pictures because he was so shocked about seeing his roommate’s suicide” I call bullshit. He did not care a damn about the guy and his actions were ugly.

No, I did not know Mr. Photography personally in life, but I have talked to him on a couple of occasions since then. Not my idea–he approached me. He wanted to work with me in the same capacity that I have been working with his bandmate. I told him that it would be a conflict of interest. His response was to throw a glass at me and try to push me down the stairs at work. So, I will reword what I said previously. It is my belief and experience that the guy was an asshole. But don’t take my word for it.

These are the words of someone who did know him in life. Form your own opinions. The full interview can be found here. By the way, I realize that some of the characters are incorrect. There are no umlauts, or o’s with slashes through them. I honestly do not even know how to pronounce that. I know that there are ways to do alt commands to make these letters but I don’t know what they are. So those of you who are inclined to nit-pick can stuff your nit-picking. I really don’t care.

9) did you know Dead who later sang for them? most accounts say Oystein wasnt to concerned about his suicide,is that a basic understanding or was he upset about it? the photos he had taken later were on a bootleg LP,any idea how those got into circulation?
Yes I knew Pelle (Dead). I really liked him as a person. In my eyes he was a really nice guy with a lot of personal and mental problems. He should not have been living at a house in the forrest with Oystein and Jan Axel. He should have gotten himself some help and some helathier eviroment. I really did not like the atmosphere at the house in Krakstad were they were living at the time. I rememeber speaking with Jurn about it at the time when he quit the band. Oystein and Pelle seemed to wire each other up and It wasn’t healty for any of them. Oystein didn’t seem very bothered about Pelles suicide. He even played a bad practical joke on me (that I really don’t want to go into detail on) because I did not know that Pelle was dead that made me cut all contact with him afterwards. I didn’t speak with him after that until he died. I found his reactions just stupid and childish.

Right now I’m pissed off enough that I’m thinking the detractors can suck it and we’ll stick to Plan A just to piss them off.  If y’all have the love for the Wonderful Gentleman (I will refrain from calling him an asshole) who so sympathetically took photographs of his roommate’s suicide because he loved him so much that he had to preserve the moment, then feel free to channel him and write a book with him. I don’t want to.

Necrobutcher had this to say regarding the situation. You can read the rest of the interview here, and form your own opinions.

‘Øystein called me up the next day,’ recalls Necro Butcher, ‘and says, “Dead has done something really cool! He killed himself.” I thought, have you lost it? What do you mean cool? He says, “Relax, I have photos of everything.” I was in shock and grief. He was just thinking how to exploit it. So I told him, “OK. Don’t even fucking call me before you destroy those pictures.”‘

‘In retrospect,’ Butcher muses. ‘I think Øystein was shocked by Dead’s suicide. And taking the photograph was the only way he could cope with it, like, “if I have to see this, then everybody else has to see it too”.’

There are those who wonder if my co-author goes around battling it out with his former roommate. He states “I don’t have anything to do with him. It’s a waste of my energy to even think of him. There is other things that needs to be done. Why bother with that which cannot be undone? He did not kill me, this is a theory that some have, but it is not true. What he did does not surprise me and does not especially bother me on my own behalf. It bothers me on behalf of those who have been hurt by its existence. I have as much disdain for those who have no sense or compassion on behalf of those who care for me and who continue to perpetuate this. One is not especially worse than the other, only he started this. He is an idiot and this is my opinion. He was an idiot than and he is an idiot now.”

To come back around to the original point (WELCOME TO THINKING BIPOLAR 101–THOUGHTS BRANCH OUT WILDLY AND TWIST AND TURN DOWN MULTIPLE PATHS) I feel that we would be freer to express ourselves were the story to be changed so that my co-author and his esteemed friends were given pseudonyms, just as I gave myself a pseudonym when I chose to write this. It kind of sucks to have to roll this way, but it seems to be the superior choice given the circumstances. Now to begin the rewriting. Faugh!

 This proof that Armageddon is coming was found here.

The following is a bit of hate mail written by a Twilite Fan Gril to the administrator of an “I Hate Twilight” group on Facebook , and is pretty typical of comments made by Twilite Fan Grils when someone dislikes their fave sparkly vampire saga.

I am not a member of this group, mainly due to the fact that I don’t like people using the word “gay” to mean “lame” or “bad.” Gay is not “lame” or “bad,” it is a sexual orientation. Should you have a burning need to know whether or not I’m gay, the  real answer is, what the hell does it matter?  For what it’s worth, I’m straight but not narrow. I do have a number of supporters who are gay, and I appreciate all of my friends and supporters very much.

That being said, let us proceed to the featured words of wisdom from todayz Twilite Fan Gril.

Kianna
Today at 6:05am

all u do is hate cuz ur a hater! u create groups about twlight with mean hateful things n think its ok? yea everyone’s free to their opinion but not this free….ur such a bitch for daT!!!!!! APPARENTLY U HAVE NO LIFE CUZ U WOULDNT BE SPENDIN IT ON FACEBOOK ASSAULTING PPL…..i DO NOT see u writin stories everyone likes!

I guess I’m just an evil old bat, but if any child of mine ever wrote a mess like that, I swear that I would ground them until they learned how to write. While I’m loath to give Stephanie Meyer any credit, other than for majorly capitalizing on her penny-dreadful purple prose tomes, I’m pretty sure that she too would cringe at the hideous mutilation of the English language that her devotees are wont to use. I realize that it isn’t only Twilite Fan Grilz who write this way–it seems to be a pretty common abomination. But because these girls tend to be trendy crowd-followers, they would rather be “in” than intelligent. Heaven forbid one should spell out the words “you” or “and,” or the words “to” or “for” rather than using 2 and 4.

My all time favorite Twilite Fan Gril comment has to be “This is a BOOK! A fictionous BOOK!” directed at Kellen Rice’s unfavorable review of Twilight. I have to give that commenter credit, however. At least  she seemed to be trying to sound like she had an IQ bigger than her shoe size, even if “fictionous” is a wonderfully laughable non-word.

I give Twilite Fan Grilz all the freedom in the world to defend their favorite Sparkly Saga, but unless they can express themselves with a reasonable semblance of intelligence, their rants will not only seem like so much girlish nonsense, but like STUPID girlish nonsense. I actually dislike applying the word stupid to people, but so often it is as if they are begging me to. And when you write like poor little “Kianna” and her grilz, you are not only begging, you are wearing a huge neon sign that says “I M STUPD N PROUD 2 B!”  As is anyone who writes in Textese any time they are not texting. SRSLY! IT MKS U LOOK SOFA KING DUM!

The only reason I am jealous of Stephanie Meyer, as I will eventually be accused of being by some Twilite Fan Gril, is because she has made ass-loads of money, and I doubt I ever will. I am not saying that I am a great writer because I actually don’t think I am. However, this is obviously not a prerequisite for becoming a RICH writer, because Stephanie Meyer is only slightly less terrible than the person who wrote the book that inspired me to say “if this hack can get a book published, then certainly I should at least try.” I was actually making corrections as I read that dreadful item. I might venture to say, however, that Stephanie Meyer is less readable than said hack, because I couldn’t even tolerate reading three chapters of Sparkly Purple Prose Hell.

I do not have aspirations to become a millionaire author like Stephen King (who completely deserves it, in my opinion) and Stephanie Meyer (credit where credit is due) but do admittedly aspire to achieve some sort of cult status. If one reads about my book on my website, one sees that the original mission behind the publication of my books was to pay tribute to my spectral friend and co-author, who did achieve cult status in the underground music scene in his short, sad lifetime; to allow him to present certain important messages to the world; and to contribute to the World Federation for Mental Health and their mission to bring compassionate, affordable treatment to persons suffering from mental illness worldwide. However, because of the horrifying video shown below, I have added a new goal:

To bring back dark atmospheres and vampires that are actually frightening to the vampire genre. Because really…can the world take much more of this?

Excuse me while I down my anti-nausea meds.

Though I could do with one of those werewolf puppets. That was cute.

Photo from Real Ghost Pictures Around the World .
I do not in fact think that this is a real ghost image but there are some on the site that could be.

Well what the hell do ya know. A post about something paranormal on a blog that is labeled paranormal. I would change the label on my blog to “mixed bag” if I knew how because it’s rare that I write about the paranormal these days. If I’m too tired (which I usually am) I simply can’t get in touch with the “other side” very well. However, I have been a bit and this post includes the thoughts of my book’s co-author .

A problem that ghosts (Earthbound spirits) encounter is people thinking that they can see the future. They can’t. They can sometimes see a broader perspective on a situation but that is all. When I do readings, it is very rare for one of my Earthbound spirit friends to interject. The readings that I do are done in a light trance state and the perspectives I receive are from my own subconscious or superconscious. They are not from my spectral acquaintances.

One thing that all of my spectral friends encounter is people whom they did not know in life asking them questions about the querent’s own future or personal life. These guys (and gals) really do not know anything about the personal lives of anyone that they did not know in life. Occasionally there is something glaringly obvious that they can spot but for the most part the feeling I get from them when I ask personal questions on behalf of someone that they didn’t know is “how am I supposed to know that?”

This statement is from my co author:

“Croaking does not make you omniscient. Nor omnipotent. One does not become some sort of demi-god upon their death. The answer to any question that you may postulate to me about your life will likely be ‘I don’t know.’ Because I did not know you. Even if I did know you, I may not know. Second thing. There is a margin for error in communicating through a living person. The medium may not be able to perceive what I am trying to impart.

You are wondering if your boyfriend is an ass. I say boyfriend because most such questions come from straight females. You know, truth be told, if you feel that he is, he probably is. You don’t need me to tell it to you.

Also the greatest advice I can give to living people is stop worrying so god damn much about the fucking minutia in your life. Who gives a shit if the outfit you have is the latest or so cool or what have you. And how the hell am I supposed to know if it is the latest thing? I would not have known that when I was alive! Fuck if I care now.

Another thing I would like to clear up here and now at this moment is the idiot statement that I took my own life because I could not abide ‘trendy’ people. THIS IS PATENTLY STUPID! This is not the reason and nobody would take their life for such an idiot reason. If you keep thinking this I may have to assume that you are lacking in any sort of brain, even a stem, and that a zombie pursuing you for sustenance would starve to un-death. In life I was somewhat very fucked in the head but I was not an idiot though I did at times accuse myself of such. I did not like myself very well at all. There was great darkness and sorrow upon my life and soul. I could no longer bear the pain of the thoughts and feelings that crushed my heart each day. The truth is, I did wish to be happy. Everyone does. I knew I never could. The despair and inner torture becomes too much. Fuck if I would kill myself for other people’s fashion. I would prefer to stick around and piss them off by making fun of it. You all look like idiots. There. Now let us have no further of this.”

Well–I do think that pretty well sums it up. Don’t ever dare this spirit to take the piss. You’ll lose.

However, there is one thing that both he and I regret regarding how we went about with the writing and distribution of the book, and there is nothing that we can do about it. And I do feel responsible.

His working on the book with me came about by accident. I had gotten in touch with him in the summer of 2005. To be honest, I had never heard of him before this. I felt deeply for the pain he had endured in life and invited him to talk to me if he wanted to. What he liked about me was the fact that I was not looking for him to act as some sort of malevolent genie on my behalf or for him to teach me “black magic” (his thought on this is “I repeat, I really did not know that much.”)

I was not looking for him to become my “lover” (he states “big fucking molecular discrepancy. What do you women that want this think you would feel? I would go right through you. And what is it about you young ones who are young enough to be my daughter? Why do you want to be having a go with some old bastard? Surely all of you could find someone far better suited. Alive, at the least. And no, I really do not find necrophilia erotic.”)

I was not looking to “send him to the light.” I am not the first person with mediumistic tendencies that he tried to talk to. But all the others tried to “send him to the light.” He has news for them.

“You know what happens to earthbound ghosts that you do this with? They simply leave. If they had accomplish what they need to not still be bound to this sphere, they would already have gone. With human spirits, you need not bother yourself to go through some ceremony to send us to the light. Most of the time you just ask us to leave, we will leave. That is what we do anyway.

A spirit is earthbound because it still has something to fulfill. Some medium telling us we really don’t have to do this any more because we are dead does not stop us from feeling we have to do it. And get this: WE KNOW WE’RE DEAD!!!! Adult spirits anyway always know they are dead. It does not take too long to figure it out. It was much fuckery in the case of this soul, as it is one divided (a bit more united now but still specific alter egos exist) and it was one personality which did in the body while the rest is out to lunch. But we did not lurk around thinking we can revive this mess for very long. Nor did we stay around that place. Well, I do not wish very much to relive this but only to let you all know. You do not send me or any other Earthbound ghost to the light, only away from you. We transcend only when we feel ready, not when you feel we should be.”

It is really my fault that we’re in this mess because I wanted to give my esteemed new friend a cameo role as one of the spirits in my story. He started giving me suggestions after this and the more accepting I was, the more suggestions he had. But at this point we really wish that we had hidden his identity. His hope was to be able to make people understand a little more about what he was really like inside his heart and soul, and he wanted to make up in some small way for the pain he had caused certain people and to hopefully show those considering suicide that killing yourself will not end your pain, it will only create new problems. However, by revealing his actual identity, we only opened a can of worms. Now people are always wanting for him to answer specific questions or for me to form connections between him and themselves. I can’t do this and he really can’t be strongly connected to multiple people. It is draining for him to do so.

I once had a very strong connection with this spirit but because of the demands on both of our energies at this point, the connection has become weak. He has pulled away from the Earth sphere although his mission has not been accomplished. He is deeply discouraged because he feels it never will be and I’m not sure but what he isn’t right. I have been very depressed lately too so I can’t offer him much hope in this area. I am sorry that I let him down and sorry that I was so excited about working with him initially that I did not have the foresight to hide his identity.

We’re not sure where to go from here with this. I think that there may be few enough people having read the original book that I can pull production of it and sell no more copies. Having done this, I can release a revised edition, changing the names of any real spirits that I have had the pleasure of meeting who were included in the book and re-release it, and thence continue the series using the pseudonyms. In some ways this seems a lie, but in other ways it might allow us to be free to write what we like and we might be able to feel a renewal of purpose. Because at this point we feel pretty hopeless and stagnated when it comes to our project as things currently stand.

 Many of today’s teens are terribly troubled. But so were many teens when I was growing up back in the age of dinosaurs.

 This is a response to an article by Diane Dimond on Huffington Post about issues experienced by today’s troubled youth. She cites such examples as the cluster of youth who committed suicide in Palo Alto, CA by running in front of a train, and the Richmond High School rape.

Everything you say is valid. And yet there is nothing new under the sun. I can remember as a twelve year old entering junior high in 1977, a high school aged couple committed suicide by driving their car into a wall at 75 MPH. By the time I was in eighth grade, we were doing “head rushes” on each other, which involved pressing your hands to the sides of a partner’s neck to cut off circulation and briefly cause them to lose consciousness. Many of us started cutting. I was pretty “prude” when it came to acting out sexually but a lot of people I knew had multiple partners at junior high age. A few girls I knew bragged about getting together with a 25 year old local man–and it was true. Many of us were doing drugs. By the end of high school, one of my friends had hanged himself. These are not new problems–they are problems that have never been addressed. And things will never get better until they are addressed.

I’m sure I’m opening myself up to be ripped for being a wussy, but I am not adjusting well to my son moving out. On a logical level, I think it’s wonderful that he has really grown up over the past year and is now looking to become truly independent. But I cry all the time and have nightmares, and I want to bitch slap everyone who writes articles about how wonderful and freeing it is to have your children leave home.

Now you get to reconnect with your partner!

Um…nope, don’t have one of those.

Well, then it’s a great time to look for a partner!

Um…wrong again. A good time for me to look for a partner is…well…never, actually.

If you’re having trouble adjusting you should seek professional help?

Okey dokey, I could agree with that one. And I see that you’re going to pay for it because I can’t afford to pay $120 an hour to a shrink. No? Well, guess we have to skip that one then. Oh well, we mentally ill folks tend to make shit tons of money, so it shouldn’t be a problem!

Yeah…right.

Get out and make new friends!

That would be nice. With all the extra time I have and my sudden magically acquired social skills, I will be sure to do that.

Let’s just break it down to the truth here, people. This sucks, and all the cute little tricks that work for cute little people, and not hideous monsters that you lock in the attic away from decent society, are not going to work in my case.

Now excuse me while I go back to trying to keep my suicide planning to a minimum. Because although I feel obsolete and useless, and like someone drove a stake through my heart, I am sure that my son does not need the extra aggravation of having to get my extra large ass cremated when he is trying to establish his own place in the world.

This morning I was reading an article about a man who is accused of killing his 80 year old father, who had Alzheimer’s disease. The relationship had evidently been strained from the caregiver’s childhood and apparently the father had been abusive at times. These are my thoughts.

I work in a retirement community that also has an on-site assisted living and long term care facility. Individuals with Alzheimer’s can become very combative and difficult. They may not even recognize their family members any more. However, the decision to put someone into a nursing home is also a difficult one, and not only due to the guilt. At the place where I work, a room in the long term care area is $9000 a month. A person would likely end up having to sell everything.

Until one has faced this sort of crisis, it is easy to say that putting a loved one who needs 24-7 care into a nursing home is cruel. But it is not cruel if one cannot care for the person as they need to be cared for. I could not care for someone with Alzheimer’s 24-7 by myself.
It is evident that this man snapped. It is easy to say that his was a selfish act, but I don’t believe that it was. I believe that after years of living in a strained, and sometimes abusive relationship with his father, he acted on momentary rage. It is tragic, but such things can happen.

The son apparently has psychological issues himself. I would like to hope that he will finally get the help that he so desperately needs, but sadly, I have my doubts.

May I say that one thing I have become intolerant of in this world (aside from pedophiles, rapists, and murderers) are people who think that only they are right. I will be the first to admit that I have no idea what the fuck is really going on, I only know what I have experienced and what makes sense to me. And the beliefs of any kind of true, trve, or troo believer tend to make no sense to me at all because they have shut their minds to all other possibilities besides that which they have chosen to believe. Of course those who believe that gay marriage is horrible, sinful and yucky confound the fuck out of me. Why is it so horrible/sinful/yucky? How is it a threat to heterosexual marriage. Are the big bad homos forcing you into a same sex marriage? No? Then shut the fuck up already.

I tend to try and tread lightly around other people’s beliefs, but I am in a shit mood and came close to offing myself this morning. Some of you may wish I’d succeeded. Well, I stuck around to piss you off. Because you’re that important and I care about you that much. Your opinion is gold and you shit rainbows. I think about you all the time.

Seriously. I do.

I am fucking sick to death of closed minded “troo believers.” Because I know I can never get rid of them, I can do the second best thing. I can bitch about them. I’m an expert at this.

Keep in mind, people–I am not going off on everybody who is a (fill in the blank.) Only on the ones whose minds are closed and constipated and who state that their subjective opinion is FACT, DAMN IT!!!! I can hang with someone whose belief system is very different from mine, who may be in fact convinced that their belief is the way it is, but who leaves the door open for the slight possibility that they could be wrong and who respects my right to believe what I do. Then we are all good. But the instant you start spouting about how evil/stupid everyone else is for believing differently than you do, then fuck off and die. Your mind is as constipated as the colon of someone who hasn’t taken a dump in their lifetime.

In alphabetical order, in the realm of spiritual beliefs, here are the TROO BELIEVERS that piss me off the most. I’m sure there are many that I haven’t met yet. The Irritating Pick of the Day is…

ATHEMENTALISTS

These are atheists who do not simply state that “I can’t believe in deities or spirits because I can’t see any solid evidence that either could exist.” Fine, I’m down with that because it is a sensible statement and if I had not had certain experiences in my life, I would be among this lot. No, rather than being open minded, or at least polite, the Athementalist will state that people who have any spiritual beliefs are STUPID AND BACKWARDS IN THEIR THINKING. The idea that there could be some kind of power/powers greater than ourselves is STUPID. The idea that living things do anything but live, die, and rot is STUPID. They cite the fact that when someone dies, there is no more brain activity. This is true. But this only indicates that there is no more electrical activity in the brain. The body has ceased to function. The body will rot (unless cremated.) True. Completely and undeniably true. But this does nothing to prove whether the personality has ceased to exist or departed and is hanging about somewhere else. We currently lack equipment that would be able to help prove this one way or the other.

I concede that the belief that the personality ceases on the death of the body may indeed be true and all experiences that I’ve had that would indicate otherwise only indicate that I am fucked in the head. However, there is also the possibility that something may be going on that we do not entirely understand. The only thing we know for sure is that we don’t know. People once scoffed at the possibility that we would one day land on the moon. Then again, there are those that believe this was an elaborate hoax as well. There are people whom it is just not worth arguing with. Myself, I like to keep an open mind. Certain things may be highly improbable, but I don’t like to label anything impossible. With our current level of knowledge there are things that can’t be proven at this time but they may be in the future. Or they may not. Who knows? I only know that I do not in fact consider it to be a very scientific attitude to slam your mind closed. A scientist is always open to possibilities.

I can only hope that maybe the athementalists will cease to exist when their bodies die. Then they’ll get to be right and I’ll get to not deal with them in the afterlife.

Again, it is not the atheist belief that deities/spirits seem impossible that bothers me. It is the arrogance and snottiness of the Athementalist that rubs me the wrong way. Science H. Logic! To believe anything but what they believe is STOOOOOPID! If you believe anything but what they believe, you are STOOOOOOPID!!!!!!! And do not forget, you are STOOOOOOOOOOPID!!!!!!

Their attitudes have a lot more in common with the attitudes of other Fundies than they would like to believe. After all, they are RIGHT and the other Fundies, and everybody else who doesn’t believe as they do are WRONG. And STOOOOOOPID!!!!!!

Next time we’ll pick on everyone’s favorite, the Fundie Cuh-riss-chun. As opposed to the peaceful follower of Christ, the Cuh-riss-chun believes in Gawd, Gutz, Gunz and Amerikkka, (as opposed to America) and their motto is Hate and Intolerance.  See you then!

Brobee is not doing so well at meeting his NaNoWriMo goals

Maybe given my propensity for beating up on myself, NaNoWriMo is not a good idea for me. I will try to complete it this year so I don’t feel like a total loser, but will probably not do it again because every time I look at that stupid little asshole graph that they have showing where you should be and what your real progress is, and mine is lacking, I feel like a total loser.

Just to clarify, the graph does not look like an asshole. But maybe it should.

Whenever I see that fucking thing, I end up telling myself what a dumb piece of crap I am, that I can’t do anything right, and that I’ll never finish this because I suck like an industrial strength vacuum. I find myself saying that I’m not really a writer because a real writer can come up with the prescribed amount of material on schedule. A real writer meets deadlines. For fuck’s sake, a real writer could certainly meet the prescribed goals of an assignment that does not require any fucking editing! I can’t even do this right. Etc Etc, so on and so forth, same thing I’ve heard from my cunty inner critic for years. I hate that bitch and if I could tear her out of my psyche I would inflict so many stab wounds on her that she would not even be recognizable. I would so go ballistic on her ass for all the pain she has inflicted on me over the years.

It just goes to show–I truly am my own worst enemy.